Today I finished the book that (I let) guide me through my process of healing and empowerment. Every single day since August 6th, I would read a couple of pages of this book (sometimes a whole short chapter). Every day, wisdom and compassion from the pages of this book would assure me that what I was going through was ok, that I need to face it, that I need no shortcuts. Whatever my emotions are at that moment (while reading) I’d acknowledge as what is, and I have learned to let it be. Just let it be.
And today I feel free. As I finished the last paragraph of the book, I felt sad but at the same time some freedom in my heart. The teachings and techniques have guided me (some more than others) and so it felt a bit awkward to put the book down and say goodbye.
My journey to accepting what is, has been difficult and challenging, especially because I was in denial of the extreme pain that one situation (and person?) can inflict on a positive and happy woman in me. I held on tightly to the idea of ‘I will fight with my all’ and forgot to realise that ‘fighting’ comes in different forms, and how I was letting it hold me back from living the present (even when I have convinced myself that THAT was what living the present meant to me).
The book ends with ‘the path is the goal’ that if there’s any possibility for enlightenment, it is RIGHT NOW. That this path exists moment by moment and drops away behind me. That the source of wisdom and change is whatever that is happening right at this moment, at this very instant. Sadness, anger, hurt, and at the same time freedom and laughter fills inside me, and that how I relate to it at this very instant determines and creates the future.
I learned again to befriend the crazy emotions in my heart, to be compassionate to myself and my struggle, to smile back at the tight fist stuck in my heart, and to tell myself to soften up or shout at the top of my lungs-whatever feels right at this very moment. To let it be. Freely. Genuinely.
So here’s a share of my liberty. Of my oppeness and acceptance to sit still in the midst of chaos, to be present right now, and to take that leap into the unknown. I know it’s all part of life. So be it.
And yes. I feel authentic enough (to write) today, hence I am back in this blog =)
Today, I am grateful for: all the support from friends, family, even acquaintances, in this journey.